Be the water

If you had a choice to be a Rock, or to be Water, which would you choose? What is the strongest?

Dr. Wayne Dyer says: “Water is the softest of all things, yet it is the most powerful. The ocean patiently allows all things to flow into it. It is always flexible.”

I am the Water, not the Rock. The rock is stable, unmoving, the water is a slow- or fast-moving constant, but can cut straight through any rock or any mountain with sheer persistence. I want to embody all the aspects of water in my life, the ability to go with the flow, roll with the punches, accept life when it does not go out as planned.

When I think of an obstacle, I think of ‘Rock’, and know I can overcome whatever is in my way with hard work and intentionally slow, but persistent effort.

I have a daughter caught in a compulsive self-harm cycle that is not slowing down. Mental illness comes in many forms, but most of the time it can be managed with good self-care, good support systems, and a little medication. However, if you have multiple medical issues compounding your underlying issue… the health issue becomes like a rock, that is slowly turning into a mountain… How can I, as mom, be more like water, and allow things to flow one day at a time, and how do I decide which rocks MUST be broken down first, or which rocks we can sail right past.

I am struggling right now because I am willing to move heaven and earth to save my child, but my child is not willing to save herself. Eating Disorders are insidious diseases that tear apart families, tear down kids’ self-worth, it is an invisible form of self-abuse that seems to be without end.

What is so great about that number… the blessed number on the scale that determines (to her) whether she feels she has the right to live or not. When her number rises, she no longer feels worth living, and has zero interest in recovery thinking, or help from well-meaning professionals. Food in all forms, becomes the enemy, but nourishment of the body is also the cure.

I spent my life; fighting for it. Sadly I cannot fully relate to feeling this one life is not worth living, but in this case, it is a reality that I must accept if I want to survive day to day. To talk to a child, offer hope, offer support, and realize that nothing you can say or do alleviates any of the pain she is feeling, because, there are no answers…yet.

She has decided to accept the ED as her life, and we are all supposed to pretend we don’t see her literally ‘vanishing’ before our eyes a little more each day. This is the underlying intent, to vanish, to lose weight and no longer exist in the body she is currently in. No amount of reason, logic, science, or near-death scares, have changed the determination to keep doing what she swears is ‘the only thing that gives her happiness in life’. But, she swears she does not want to die, just does not want to live on my terms, or anybody else.

If ED is the Rock right now, then… yes. Mom is the water. I will keep doing everything in my power to express my unconditional love and support, even if it frustrates and confuses me every day. It is a hopeless feeling to watch your own child slip away and feel there is nothing you can do to stop it… you can postpone things by checking into hospitals, but the drugs and therapy only mask the symptoms if the client is not ready for help offered. All I can do is hold her and take her to her appointments, and attempt to guide her safely through. *basically feels like I am doing nothing at all*

I wish I could say I had the answers, and that all of my positive affirmations about myself were helpful in this case, but they are not. I just try to focus on the positive and remember that tomorrow is another day to try again. The reason I speak out about an ED, is the fact that it thrives in the dark or secrecy, and cancer was easier to fight.

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