So, Now What?

“Why am I still here?” To be here – Add some health related issues… extreme adversity and you can really experience – Life… I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma at age 37, given 3-5 years, 5-7 years, and now at 44, and off chemo and in a remission – also told not to ever expect that. Not Giving the cancer extra attention serves me best.

I have been a spiritual person for as long as I can remember,  the Re-Education of Christina has been a slow process.  Cannot control what happens, but can control what I do with the excessive-energy – left over from surviving.  In the past, the Red Letter portion of the Bible provided me much comfort, when I was looking for answers to the ‘unanswerable’ questions that arise during traumatic events.  The bible can also be a good source for shaming or punishing myself (inadvertently). I still have much to learn about harsh realities and the corresponding verse solutions.  Not dogging the Bible, just to clarify.

I need to be honest with myself and others to share experiences and hope to inspire others to keep fighting for a better life. Fear, shame, guilt, and insecurity were emotions that ruled the greater part of my life (even still). I had to go through a series of extreme events and come through on the other side, before growing the lady ‘ball’s to share stories. Maybe a cautionary tale, but also something that I can now see positively… and it strangely makes sense.  I earned the title of Wonder Woman, but it took a long time to come to this belief.

I see myself as a woman that took on several responsibilities that were not hers, but through faith in a Creator and her strength of will… was able to make it through… yet, until recently I could not see – except to tell myself

I was “missing The Mark”. I believed I did nothing of value (because it was not close to anything imagined). I finally stopped living with a narrative that no longer served me, and honestly … when I read anything I wrote in the past (yes, I realize it has not been that long), it is still difficult to recognize that woman and not pity her.

Sometimes we can all think we are ‘completely ‘fine’ but still keep living under intense life stressors… We look around, people are on life’s hamster wheel or LIFE’S big highway, going someplace new. Once I stopped running in whatever direction I ‘believed’ was the ‘right direction, I could appreciate the ground on which I stood.  Every day, focus on now, and ask – What needs to be done? What can be done?  Many times I begged God to remove circumstances, or lesson the pain, or to remove me, but the answer I  always got was Nope. Can’t Quit… You SURVIVED, sorry, your story is not finished.  The past is gone, thank goodness for that, I needed to let it go a long time ago. I have been out of circulation online for a long time, but feel it is time to start sharing some funny, albeit; depending on your perspective, sad stories. I hope folks will stay tuned, I can promise I will not write as much as I have in the past, but I do have things to say (shocker)… and for once, will not be talking out of my ass.

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