Grief

Ever have A DAY that changes YOUR life in a way that you did not feel possible?  Ever have more than one?  Quite disorienting.  Please forgive the sad tone… it has been a day, of a sequence of days….  I am unsure of who reads my words or if they make any difference in the grand scheme of life.   To feel this profound loss – but simultaneous peace?   I know in my heart that the child my friend lost is not gone completely (in my opinion), because I believe she is inside of every person she loved and I believe her soul is at peace.

I wanted to write because my heart hurts so much for my friend, losing her Angel.  Her child helped her grow into the amazing and resilient woman/mother/friend she is today.  She was a spirited girl that learned how to survive in the harshest climates of all… “Suburban American Public School”, and to be different in school, these days.  She held her head up, battled jerks, bullies, terrible humans, all the while battling chronic pain, chronic discomfort, hair loss, vision issues, stomach issues, an entire human condition in a tiny girls body, and STILL found a way to smile and PLAY and be kind to her friends and boyfriend.  She taught us all lessons every day and we did not know it was happening.   Her friends will tell you… She was capable of much more than even she knew.

At around 2 am this morning, I finished talking with my daughter, and I realized in an instant how much I still MISSED in the every day business of living… with all my worrying about the past and the future of our lives… She shared with me how T-bird was there with her during the most hard days of her life.  She told me how her spirit made her feel calm, and how all she wanted was to love her and be her big sister.  She had plans to get better at ‘adulting’ together, with their moms not ‘too far away’ in case of emergency.  She told me that she held her when she was scared, always lifted her up and made her laugh, but she knew she was very sad and always hurting.  She said she feels she will never be the same.  Another daughter remembers playing as kids as far back as she can remember.  Summer 2016 was overwhelming an painful for everyone.  Even when t-bird and her brother visited us, she could sit with the girls in silence and be happy as clams, like sisters, just easy, no stress, no mess.

I regret missed moments, and making assumptions about our kids behaviors, and the WHOLE time, the kids were connecting, sharing and supporting one another.  I have always known that kids can change the world, if adults would just let them speak.  If we could all attempt to truly listen in this world full of noise and distractions. Try not telling others what to think… let them talk – They just might surprise you… they are just resilient and so insightful.  I guess that is all I can say for now on that.

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